It’s been two months since my dad passed. Two months December 7th at 7:40. It’s not that I don’t grieve but the grieving is different thanks for most. Every 3 to 5 minutes my mom asks where jack is. When is he coming home. When can she go home. I just miss her. I miss my mom. And I am finding myself getting numb and sometimes nasty. Today was one of those days. I feel so hurt that she doesn’t show any emotion. I get it . I understand that the disease is the reason. I know it’s not her. I get all that. But I feel so angry sometimes. Like today. I want to grieve. I want to talk about him and remember him. But I can’t . All I can do is repeat 500 times a day that dad died two months ago. Groundhogs day. Broken record. Whatever you want to call it. I can’t stand hearing myself talk anymore. I don’t want to talk anymore. I just want silence. But that’s not gonna happen.
So tonight, alone, I will remember my dad in my own way. In the past four years since my moms sepsis took a lot of her memory, he and I became super close. And I miss him more than I can say. This isn’t really my art blog anymore. So unfollow if you like. I’m not sure why I continue here. But I will for me. And tomorrow and each month on the 7th at 7:40am , I will have a few moments of silence for my dad. Love you dad.....
7 comments:
You are right, loss is unique to each person. The hard part is there is no easy way around it. Just when you think you’re doing okay, a wave will come crashing in.
For me, when I lost a loved one, it helped to journal and write down special memories that I didn’t want to forget. Evenings were tough and I lit a lantern, the light brought comfort.
You might evening be mourning the loss of your mom. She’s “there” but not they way she once was. Be easy on yourself, it will take time. Praying for God’s comfort over you.
I know grief too. We lost our 27 year old son 2 years ago last month. So every month the 29th I too am quiet and reflect. My grief is wrapped in anger because he was far too young, and we are suppose to go before our children.
But still after two years, my soul scream and any thing can remind me of him. Sometimes I react in just a smile, many times still with tears. But I talk about him with anyone who wants too. But even then I have found that people are afraid to talk .. afraid of hurting me.
Grief is in fact different for everyone. Don't compare yourself to anyone self...allow yourself to walk through this at your pace and the way you need too. It is alright to not be ok.
I am sorry for your loss, Dads are so very special, pillars of strength.
I have no intentions of leaving here...I admire your honestly in a world where we always have to be "good."
Thank you for sharing....
But I can see from everybody’s comments and emails, that we’re all in the same boat in someway or another. We all just need to say strong and whatever it is that makes us strong. For me it’s my art❤️❤️❤️for you it could be gardening or reading or whatever it is. But let’s just keep moving on.
This is a safe place for you to say anything you want...no judgements. Love you.
Dear Lindsay! Thank you for sharing your heart and your journey. In case nobody has shared this with you yet, the staff in my mother's nursing home told me that it is OK to say to her "next week" any time she asks a question such as when she can go home or when she will see someone again. They said it is not necessary to bring up the painful truth to someone with dementia who will not remember the answer and will ask the same question again within minutes or every day. I feel bad because it is sort of lying, but they said there is no need to recreate pain for everyone, which could include a "negative" reaction from the person with dementia when they hear the truth. xo
I've heard it said that grief shared is grief lessened. We are in the same boat. Human beings are poorly designed for loss. We suffer so much. We must be honest about our feelings so we can get what we need to move on. Your art stands in stark contrast to the darkness you feel right now. It will guide and strengthen you to move toward the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you feel my virtual hand as we walk there, together. Love & blessings, dear one.
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